**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
