how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
