Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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