it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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