Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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