i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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