I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
