I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
