summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My penis needs a shock collar
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
