honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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