I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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