What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
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I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
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Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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