Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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