can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
