Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
