Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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