Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
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wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
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At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.