You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i out mim tonsoeep
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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