I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.