I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.