the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
