Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
