I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
