So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
