Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
