there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
