I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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