this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
True college students do jello shots in the library
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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