Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
