I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
