the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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