i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
