in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
