I met the friendliest cop last night
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
