there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
