I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
