This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize