I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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