It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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