Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
