I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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