What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
