Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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