I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
