do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
