He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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