if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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