Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
