I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Is Oprah even human
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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