vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
vagina is talking i cant
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
