i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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