We're facebook friends in real life
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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