I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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