I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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