You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
