Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
