Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
