A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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