Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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