my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
