She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
