You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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